| Date: | 2007-04-05 10:44 |
| Subject: | hello again... |
| Security: | Public |
| Mood: |  content | | Music: | A Whisper in the Noise |
Hello everyone-
I have been gone for quite awhile. As you all know, I got married (see my husband's page for wedding picture "elvisinleather") and we have been working through that first year of marriage stuff. We've both been off the map as of late. I don't know if he is coming back to Livejournal or not. But for those of you who read my page and miss him, I will try to keep you updated and maybe share some of his wisdom with ya'll.
As we approach our 1 year mark (April 8th), I am thankful for the time I took off from writing to really dig deep and figure out what marriage and my husband are all about. As anyone who is married knows, the first year is VERY difficult. My husband and I are both Christians, but we still felt lost and frustrated at the changes that took place just from saying, "I do". We fought a lot. Our fights challenged my faith in marriage and God. But in coming through on the other side, I feel content that we made the right decision.
In our struggles, we have found peace with God and in each other. Now, after a year of confusion, anger, resentment, misguidedness, I feel like I am finally on track.
Lately, I feel like God is calling me into ministry. My husband says he doesn't feel called, but feels like it would be great for his "walk". I work an office job. I push papers around, make coffee, answer phones, enter data et c. Not as fulfilling as I'd hoped with my degree in History. I think my problem is, I have this dream of doing something I love with my life. My father is a surgeon and he loves it! He's lucky. Most people hate their jobs and are miserable during their 8-12 hour shift. Why do I feel like I should be different? Why do I feel like working for Jesus' cause would make me be less miserable. Ministry is hard. I know that. I'm not silly enough to believe that if I do something for God it will be easy. My husband and I try to follow God daily, it's so hard!
Last night we were watching T.V. and all these commercials were on for these disgusting horror type movies. I said to Matthew, "I am so sick of all the blood and gore and evil portrayed in mass media. I mean we were watching TNT or USA or something of that nature at 7:00 or 8:00 at night and these commercials are on. Kids are watching. I get so angry. Why? Anger doesn't help-just makes me grumpy and mean and then I lash out at Matthew.
We are going back to Whitestone (where we got married) and we're staying in the honeymoon sweet for our anniversary this weekend. I'm excited. I will write again soon.
Not a great come back to livejournal, but I will try to do better later.
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The other night, my husband and I got into it over God. If you have read my recent posts, you will know that I have been struggling. Well, I am during this heated conversation, I said something that made me think. It is realted to another LJ entry about faltering. Here goes:
God calls us to be fully dependent on Him. He wants us to rely on Him for all our needs and love Him with all our human hearts. Now chances are, we cannot do as God asks us cause we are flawed, but just say we get to the point where we are fully reliant on God. Say we trust Him and put our lives in His hand. Now comes the tricky part. Remember in that other LJ entry when I was talking about my relationship with God being up and down (imagine a rollercoaster). Well, if we are to be fully dependent on God, what happens when we are in the valleys? We are down inthe dumps, depressed, alone, feeling like no one loves us and god is a myth...and where is He? Not there.
So here's what my sick heart felt, if i had never completely relied on God in the first place, then I wouldn't have fallen so low. Because before I relied on God, I was able to "take care of myself". Though I didn't do a great job, I was able to hold it together. It was like, the valleys were low, but I rarely fell on my face. Now, that God has my life, when I hit that valley, it's at 200 mph. There is no speed bump.
I know that my thoughts are messed up and that my life is better with God than without. I know that the valleys were lower before God than with Him, but before, I knew I was all I had. I was fully aware of the cause/effect and was more prepared, I guess, when bad stuff came my way. i am jsut messed up right now and need something other than a lame cliche. I am so sick of the "God loves you and He's always there, even when you can't feel Him", stuff. Anybody got anything?
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The other night, my husband and I were looking up at the stars and I asked him if he believed in aliens? He said he didn't not believe. He answers like that alot. Then he began to talk...
What if there are billions of planets like this one in our universe, with billions of inhabitants like us. And then outside our Universe, there are billions of universes with billions of planets in each of them, all with inhabitants like us. In each of those planets, God is there.
Then he made his point. In the Narnia books, the kids live in the Earthly world and discover Narnia...Two worlds functioning simultaniously. He said, like in Narnia, Jesus is a Lion, and here He was a man. God can take any form to reach who he needs to.
He is much more elequent than me, but I thought that was interesting and wanted to share it. What if there are billions of planets with billions of inhabitants and each have Jesus but picture Him very differently than we do. I guess we kinda already have that here on earth. There are so many countries and civilizations here and they all see God differently. Wonder if it matters that we all skew our picture of him to fit our civilization? Or maybe it just makes Jesus more relate-able (if that's a word). I don't think He has a problem with that. Ummm...don't really know where I am going with this, just wanted to share.
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You know what bugs me? The fact that my relationship with God is "on" and then "off". I don't understand why this happens. I talk to my husband about it, and he is very supportive, but it is so hard to be what I need to be when I don't feel like the connection is there.
Lately, I have felt detached from the world at large. At first I thought this to be a good thing because I was not absorbed by the daily drama, but then I realized that I was not only detached from the world, but from everything around me too. I have been in a state of flux ever since. One day I am great and cheery and the nest I am grumpy, easily angered, flustered and confused. usually when i am in the later state, I am not interested in being cheered up. I would much rather "marinate" in my depression than have someone reach in and pull me out. My husband is a cheerer. He won't give up either which makes me even more mad.
Back to my main point. A month ago, I was reading my Bible daily, sharing like crazy, happy as a lark and completely content with my life and the path i was on. I was loving my church, my Sunday School class, my pastor. I was leading the music on Sunday nights with my husband...Now, I am drowning. My life feels like it is on hold, but alas, there is nothing I can do about it. Matthew tells me that sometimes it feels like God isn't there and doesn't care, but He is always there. Why does God feel the need to make me feel abandoned? Why punish me by letting me feel empty and alone? Why? Why does He have to go away at all? It's like, nothing will change with me, except one day I will be "chatting with Him" and the next day, I don't feel like I can pray at all-cause I don't feel Him there. It's confusing.
Finally-I want to be a good, christian woman for Matthew. I want to bring God to our marriage everyday. I want to do our daily Bible-Study with excitement. How do I get back to where I was before. I have retraced my steps 1,000 times, I cannot find the answer. Anyone???
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I have a love/hate relationship with percrastination.
I am in the last week of school/finals and I have 3 papers to write and 6 tests to study for...and what and I doing? writing this LJ that no one will read and trying to avoid the work that is softly calling to me...
I love a nice, big, ice-filled coca-cola-classic. It is one of my favorite things.
Matthew and I are good. Though at times I feel like I am not what he wants or needs. Like last night, we were discussing God and I told him that I just don't feel close to God anymore. i don't have the desire to go to church like I used to. I am sure it is just a passing phase, but since Matthew is sucha Godly man, it makes me feel bad to be wishy-washy. You know? So what do I do? Fake it? In the NA rooms they say "Fake it til you make it" but somehow I don't think that applies here.
I am sure everything will be better once I am done with school and focusing on getting a job and becoming a productive human being again. So Long, Dear Void.
~W
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i call out to the void:
"Void"!
it doesn't respond in beautiful shades of green and pink
covering me with the warmth i have longed for,
but in words painted the color of my pain...
black and blue and a collection of brown.
"Why do you exsist"?
questioning the dark crevasses in my very depths.
the promise of joy, of sweet release,
of freedom and forgiveness
quickly fades to a pale, morose red.
as it disappears,
swallowed by the void,
i plead with it,
"Why are you doing this"?
the void doesn't answer right away,
"Hello"?
"because you let me ".
you cannot just look, you have to see.
and finally,
i see.
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What is it about the human being that feels the need to put people up on a pedestal and watch the fall off of it? Why do people feel the need to set expectations so high that there is no possible way to reach those expectations? Inevitably, everyone gets hurt because the person who had the expectation is disappointed and the person who failed, well, feels like a failure. I don't get it.
The other problem is that with out expectations, many people can't perform. They need to have someone depending on them, counting on them to achieve, pushing them to a higher level. Those kinds of people are the people who also set unrealistic expectations on the rest of us. "Us" being people who strive to keep their head above water. To just keep treading. I am a treader. I enjoy treading. I find that if I increase my pace and do better than I normally do, then the expectation is silently but quickly raised. WHY??? Can a human being just perform each task at the level they feel appropriate without feeling the urge to do better so _______(fill in the blank) will be proud?
I have overachieving parents and siblings. I am a procrastinator. I am a get it done with the least amount of effort required. I am a lazy sack. I enjoy doing the things I enjoy (obviously), but anything outside my scope of understanding or enjoyment is merely a hassle to overcome so I can get back to the mediocre pace I have grown accustom to. Is that so bad?
A typical day would go as follows: I sleep through the alarm, Matthew calls me to wake me up and get me out of bed, I shower, put on the first thing that I see, drive an hour and a half to school, mindlessly take notes, go to the library, check my e-mail, LJ, and play on the internet, go home, put on my pj's, lay on the couch with Prissy, our kitten, wait for Matthew to get off work, make a decision about dinner, eat it, lay on the couch some more, all the while, thinking about the 3 papers I have to write by next Wednesday, delay the anxiety, go to bed.
Now that is a nice routine if I do say so myself. So why do the overachievers of this world want to cramp my style by pushing me harder than I would prefer? Because they enjoy being pushed so why wouldn't everyone else? Because, everyone else doesn't want an ulcer and a headache. Sorry if I sound bitter, just tired of all the crap. At what point do people stop trying to make decisions that "are best for you"? How old do you have to be? How much money do you have to have in the bank? How many lives do you have to create? I'm at a loss.
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Recently i have realized that my life is about WAITING...i just got married. Before i was married i was WAITING to get married and before that i was WAITING to get engaged and even before that i was WAITING for God to bring me the right guy.
We are living in a basement apt. i began looking for houses, but we decided to WAIT on buying a house til we had a down payment. So now i am WAITING on the money so we can then start looking at houses. Then i will be WAITING to find a house.
i am WAITING to graduate Carson-Newman so i can start looking for a job. i was supposed to finish in May but it turns out that 2 of the classes i have to have to graduate weren't offered for the Spring so i had to WAIT til the summer to take them. So i am back to WAITING to graduate.
i have always had a job. Since i was old enough to want money and independence i have worked. in January, Matthew and i decided to quit my job. He is supporting us (which he does selflessly. i am going crazy. i have way too much free-time. i sit around the house, playing with the kitten, watching movies or the latest rerun of Law and Order, WAITING for Matthew to get home from work or WAITING for time to drift by so i can cook dinner, do the laundry, check my mail, etc...i tell myself that when i get a job things will be better. The WAITING for the money to buy a house will be shortened because of added income. So that WAITING will be cut short. i tell myself that i will feel more useful and less like a leech, but i know deep down, that it will never change. WAITING is a part of me.
i guess my fear is that if i am always WAITING for the next thing to happen, what happens to the time i have wasted WAITING? Do i ever really enjoy anything? Can i? Does the constant anxiety cancel out the joy or excitement that might come of whatever happens in the down time? Why do i even consider it down time? Why do i have to be doing something all the time? Why can't i just relax? Breathe?
i guess i will WAIT on an answer...
~W
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So-since I wrote last many things have happen:
-I have gotten married. Matthew Thacker, is the lucky guy...he's very popular on here(elvisinleather).
-My older sister had her second baby (Elijah Lee)
-I finished my last full semester in college and just have summer courses til graduation.
-My younger sister had her first art opening and sold 5 painting so far. She is also graduating (in May though).
-Got a kitten (Priscilla-can you guess who named her??)
-Matthew and I are leading music on Sunday nights at our church (Young's Chaple Presbyterian Church-off Lawnville Rd.-if you're in the area you should come worship with us).
ummmmm....i can't think of anything else right now. I am exhausted.
I will continue to post...more often this time.
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Today I have learned a very important lesson: People are NOT out to get me! I talked to my Mom after I got off the phone with you (Matthew) and realized that I have a deep rooted belief that people are destined to betrayed me and hurt me. Instead of thinking the best in people, I think the worst. Instead of believing that human are innately good, I believe humans are innately evil. Instead of having faith that my loved ones are only looking out for my best interest, I think they are trying to sabotage me and make me look bad. Like with Cara (my sister), she was worried about me. She just wanted to make sure that I was thinking through my decisions and not acting impulsively. She wanted to make sure that I didn't let things get out of hand. For whatever reason she came to me, it wasn't to hurt me or call me out or judge me, but to express her distress in my decision. Her motives were good, though her approach was not. She came to me from a place of love and fear, not judgement and anger.
Now-I have taken the step into sanity and faith. How do I stay on this side of the line? My mind is troubled and I feel as though I am on shaky ground. I am scared of what will happen next time a situation like this happens. I do not want to react but to listen and respond. I don't want to be defensive because if I am not being attacked. I am in no need of a defense.
I discussed my thoughts at great length with my Mom and she is of the impression that I am a wonderful person that needs guidance and strength. She said that that is why God put you in my life. Not just because He made us for each other, but the timing had to be just right. Though I am growing leaps and bounds with God, my human relationships are still suffering. I have yet to learn to translate what I have learned from God into human characteristics and social skills. I go to God when I am down and out. I ask Him for guidance and wisdom, but sometimes His answer isn't immediate enough so I use my old instincts. Defend myself, my actions, my beliefs...whether I am right or wrong. And then God grabs a hold of my heart and says in a whisper, "This is not My way". But by then it is too late and I have screwed up. Like this morning, I have to correct my mistake in order to get back on the right track with God. That is where Matthew comes in. He says, "Wendi, my love, two wrongs don't make a right." He looks into my eyes and gently explain that just because my past is still effecting my present doesn't mean I can continue to act as though I am living in the past. He says, "The woman you are today is very different than the woman you were then. And God has changed you and molded you into a woman of His will." Lying is never OK, though He says that it will happen. I am going to do my best, with God's help, to cut the lying completely out of my actions and thoughts.
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So I feel the need to share a God moment. Today, I had be at work at 9 in the morning. God kept me up til 3 praying and reading and when 7 a.m came, I wanted to die. Well, i got to work and was immediately overwhelmed. I fought the temptation to get angry and stay angry for a while, and then a very confused woman took out her frustration on me. I did not, as the Lord would ask of us, stay patient and turn the other check. Instead spoke to her in a very condesending way and used sarcasim to deflate her smile. Sarcasim can be defined as "the ripping or tearing of flesh" and that is what my motive was.
After she left, completely unsatisfied and thanks to me, belittled, I patted myself on the back for my ability to make her feel bad so I wouldn't. I went on about my day and then God sent an angel into my store disguised as a curly headed, blue eyed, cute as a button, 6 year olf girl. She was just wondering (looking down at her hot pink flip flops with Piglet on them) if we had the new Winnie the Pooh Movie. I was immediately struck by her innocence and beauty. I wanted so badly to have a copy for her but they were all gone. She then said, "Well, Mommy and I are going to go home and make some cookies. I'll bring you some when we come back". I thanked her and she left. My mood was immediately better and I thanked God for parents that raise their children to be "good". The little girl did return 3 hours later with freshly baked, home-made, sugar cookies and a little bottle of milk. I regret to say that I still didn't have a Winnie the Pooh's Heffelump Movie for her.
God is amazing and I will continue to praise him for the little things he does. That little girl turned my whole day around in 2 minutes and God knew that. After that I couldn't stop thinking about how wonderfully and beautifully we are all made. There is a verse in Matthew that says that he knows the number of hairs on our heads. God knows every little thing about us. It says in Jeremiah 1:5 that "before I formed you in the womb I knew you. Before you were born I set you apart..." God is talking to Jeremiah, of course, but I think we can apply this to our lives too. I believe that all believers are set apart and appointed as the speakers for God. The question is, are we up for the task. Sometimes I feel like I could take on 1,000 agnostics and atheists at the same time and my faith would not be shaken. And then there are times like this morning when I couldn't hold tight to my God's hands and I floundered. The great thing is that God was watching and understood. He sent in a special ops unit to rescue me from Satan's grasp and lift me back up to God. Thank you. GO GOD!!
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| Date: | 2005-05-28 08:33 |
| Subject: | I am a virgin |
| Security: | Public |
| Mood: |  restless | | Music: | Black Velvet Elvis |
This is my first post so I am a virgin to Live Journal. I thought a catchy subject line might grab some attention and increase my chances at getting a good response.
Before I get started, I want to explain that I have never been a big fan of the Old Test. I always felt like the Old Test as a chronicle of a vengeful, angry God, but then Matthew explained it to me as I had never heard it before. The Old Test is a story of love. If we look at it in the terms of a human relationship, God is the man who is constantly feeling hurt and abandoned by his lover, humans/believers.
Last night I was flipping through my Bible, trying to find a relevant verse to help relieve my restlessness and strengthen my patient struggle. I felt restless because the peace that God had given me had vanished like a rabbit in a cheap magic trick. For the last month God has been shaping me into a more Godly woman and yesterday I felt empty. The peace that I had felt for that short period of time was no longer soothing me. I didn't know what to do. I called my boyfriend and discussed my insecurites with him. And as usual, God spoke though him to give me comfort. He said that God never leaves us, but some times we need our struggle. He said, it pains Him to see us in pain, but without pain, we cannot grow.
So-I was talking on the phone last night and I felt a slight tug at my heart. I picked up my bible and opened it to Micah...(I am thinking, Old Test, yuck) I have never had any interest in reading Micah. I scan line after line waiting for God to show me what He needed me to see and then it popped out of the page. Chapter 6 verse 8.
The NIV says it like this: "He has showed you, O man, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly, love mercy, and walk humbly with your God" Micah 6:8
Okay-that blows my mind. What does the Lord REQUIRE of you? He doesn't ask, he doesn't tell, he requires us to be good. I have never been particularly good at being "good". I took advantage of the forgiving East is from West thing and skipped being good. He would forgive me anyway. But he requires us to be good. Good. So being good is doing what? Well He tells us: To act just, to love mercy, and be humble. I am not any of those things. But He requires me to be.
How do we as Christians do that? What does it mean to walk humbly with our Lord? How about loving mercy? Well-that's about it for now-hope it spurs some converstation, I would love to hear what ya'll have to say.
~W
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